In Which Nature Provides Some Unnecessary Flossing

This morning I woke up with a black hair wrapped neatly around my front tooth. This is alarming because I have brown hair and have kept my head shaved for the last eight years or so.

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Some Booze.

Why is it that large amounts of alcohol can make ABBA lyrics seem trenchant?

Because, Ha Ha, What Might Seem Sad is Actually Perfect

So I am sitting here, wearing a pair of Nike basketball shorts and a really old flannel. The cat is curled neatly in my lap and I’ve just consumed some bread and cheese, then some frozen yogurt Cherry Garcia in addition to some wine. I’m watching my second favorite Star Trek movie (Six, if you’re interested. Two will always be the first favorite) and yes, it is Saturday night.

What I was just thinking now is this: the reason I’ve stopped losing my mind every year or so and why I’ve stopped doing drugs and why I’ve stopped being dizzy with petty unhappiness is because, ha ha, what might seem sad is actually perfect.

Red Meat Describes Our Hearts, Too

So I just watched Fast Food Nation and I’m not certain if it was the graphic depiction of cow slaughter or the inclusion of Avril Lavigne in the cast, but I don’t think I ever want to eat meat again.

If Looks Could Double Down, They Probably Would

Why is it that everyone who plays late night poker on television (Poker After Dark, something like that, although I always take umbrage with the phrase After Dark because it seems to want to imply things that I don’t care to think about, like trash removal and sex with prostitutes) looks as if they’d be more comfortable eating pickles on a trans-continental Greyhound bus than handling tens of thousands of dollars?

Of All the Wonders of this the Finite World

Sleep! Sleep in a bed with freshly washed sheets when you’ve taken half a Percocet and had a few glasses of wine.

Technological Pitfalls and Other Inquiries

I like to imagine that certain cab drivers who enjoy communicating via hands-free bluetooth devices wear said devices as they plunder their wives during infrequent acts of copulation.

Rather I should say that I imagine it happens, not that I enjoy the imagining. Because it seems vaguely like a Borg raping a housewife, which is not hot in the very slightest.